Sacramento – Betty Lewis, 45, bitching to her best friend about her husband’s lack of romance, watched in horror as he got completely run over by an SUV.

Few people have missed the glaring Exclusive Report: Osama bin Laden denies relationship with Paris Hilton. Suddenly, Osama bin Laden’s face and voice are everywhere, in a stream of audio and video messages to the world denouncing the rumor of an affair with Paris Hilton.

In a world where we work ourselves to the bone just to spend all of our hard earned money on having fun, a new epidemic has begun to sweep the nation… narcolepsy. It can strike at any time: in the car, on the job, or even during sex. True this isn’t true narcolepsy but it is a level of national sleep deprivation that may as well be.

The hunt is on again for King County’s gypsy mothers, those merciless harvesters of all things leafy.

After three-term Senator Joe Lieberman lost Connecticut’s Democratic primary in one of the most heated races in the country, Lieberman announced that he will run as an Independent. He was defeated by Ned Lamont, who has run largely on an anti-Iraq war platform. Lamont won with 52 percent of the vote to Lieberman’s 48 percent. Voter turnout was nearly twice the norm for a primary.

Over the last couple of months the police and media have been trying their damndest to keep a string of mysterious deaths from becoming public knowledge for fear of wide spread panic and rumors of a serial killer on the loose. Well I’ll have none of that. As a reporter I have to let the public know that The Seattle Raptor is being investigated for a whole slew of mysterious murders that somehow seem to be linked to their online “news source.” It seems that many of the people mentioned in the articles within The Raptor’s web pages have turned up dead or missing. Twenty-seven people to be exact. Among the dead are: Sergeant Grant, who was interviewed in the article titled “Seattle S.W.A.T. Team Gets a New High Tech Toy” by Comic_Guy, Nicholas Monroe, from “Fourth of Jul-Ivar’s Festivities Marred by Tragedy” by Vashonwriter, and Trevor Podolski, the “local man” who was of particular interest in “Local Man Starts Obscure Holiday Club” written by Elziggurat.

Nick Hackett, an enterprising junior at Garfield High School, is hoping to capitalize on the recent sale of a rare complete copy of the First Folio of William Shakespeare’s plays. Sotheby’s in London sold the book – still in its 17^th-century calfskin binding – for $5.2 million to Simon Finch Rare Books. There are only 40 copies known to exist, few in private hands. Hackett has been in contact with Sotheby’s in New York to sell his Shakespeare textbook he still has from sophomore year with his notes scribbled within.

Avid hiker Glenn Crowne hiked up the snowfields above Paradise at Mount Rainier National Park to Camp Muir, base camp for ascents to the summit, last Spring. He stumbled when he tripped over a tangled mesh of chicken wire. He thought it odd but continued on to Camp Muir. It continued to bother him to see the chicken wire when he returned home to Yelm so he began to investigate governmental records, National Park Service memos, faxes, letters, and diary excerpts from high ranking rangers until he stumbled upon something quite startling. Mount Rainier is made of paper mache.

PEOPLE:

Population: 11,350,729 (minus 1)

Population growth rate: 0.56 %

Birth rate: 13.13 births/1,000 population

Death rate: 7.35 deaths/1,000 population

Sex ratio: at birth: 1.06 male(s)/female

under 15 years: 1.06 male(s)/female

15-64 years: 1 male(s)/female